Don't you ever just want to get off your medication? Sometimes I feel like it just isn't working and I've tried so many combinations. I try and try, but I just can't get it right. I'm tired of trying.

I remember my life before medications and I don't think it was so bad. Maybe I'm just discontented with the way my life is going. It seems like I'm on a road to nowhere and I should be on the road to somewhere.

I wonder if I should just get off my meds. I spend six months out of my year in depression. Of course, this year had extenuating circumstances since I experienced the death of my father.

I remember wanting to have an affair when I was manic. I wouldn't want to do that normally. I wouldn't want to wreck my family. Plus, my anger was out of control. I yelled at my children and I don't want to be that person.

So, I will stay on meds and try to work out a different combination. I think that I need to get off Pristiq and get back on Prozac. It always worked for me. The Pristiq makes me go too high and I can't sleep. I haven't had a decent night's sleep since my father died in late August. I just want to be able to sleep! I want the feeling of exhaustion that I feel every day to ease up. I'm so tired.

I just want to feel better. I'm due for a visit to the psychiatrist. I guess I'll have a good talk with her. Life has to get easier. It just has to.



A girl. Exploring the world of Bipolar Disorder one day at a time. Informing and educating the public about mental illness.

About the Author. Feel free to Email Cristina a comment or a question.Share Your Own Bipolar Story. Click here to Subscribe in a Reader.

© 2009 Cristina C. Fender

A month and a half ago I was put on an antidepressant--Pristiq. It's worked well. A little too well. Last night I went to bed at 9pm and I'm now awake at 1:30. I tried taking Xanax to calm me down so I could go back to sleep, but it's not working yet. I went down on the Pristiq last week in the hopes that it would control my sleeping patterns better, but it's not working. I think that I'm going to have to come off it all together. This is an awful time to be coming off my antidepressant, but I don't want to go over to mania. That will just lead me to a big crash and a big depression. I don't want to be in the hospital for the new year.

If only it would've worked and I would've been stable! I feel awful that it's not working like I want it to. I can feel the anger boiling under the surface and I know it's the mania speaking to me. This damn bipolar! I would give anything for it to go away, but it's not and I have to deal with it even if I feel like giving up. Meds only take one so far, ya know? I'm tired of battling for moments of joy, even if those moments of joy make life worth living. I'd like to have more moments of joy. Instead I'm given a heaping dose of reality and that reality is dark most of the time. I have to remember that even though the moments of joy are fleeting that they're there, waiting for me when I most need them. I'm thankful for them.




A girl. Exploring the world of Bipolar Disorder one day at a time. Informing and educating the public about mental illness.

About the Author. Feel free to Email Cristina a comment or a question.Share Your Own Bipolar Story. Click here to Subscribe in a Reader.

© 2009 Cristina C. Fender

Normally, I'm against the idea of antidepressants for Bipolars, but my nurse practitioner convinced me that it would be a good idea to just to use them to get over the hump of my depression. If I hadn't been having suicidal thoughts I would've argued with her, but I realize that this holiday season is going to be a tough one without my father.

She put me on Pristiq, a new antidepressant. I've been on it going on a couple of weeks now at 50mg. I still have good days and bad days. Yesterday was a bad day. I had another suicidal thought and I spilled a bottle of pills into my hand as I thought about it. I thought of my children and immediately put it away. I think I'll call her today to see if my medication can be increased. She previously said that I should notice results in a week.

I haven't had suicidal thoughts in a year. It's disconcerting, to say the least, to hear these thoughts in my head. It reminds me that the Bipolar is never far away. I may control it at times with antipsychotics and Lithium, but it's never far away. I recognized the signs of depression coming this time, but I thought that it was just the grief talking. But, when I heard and felt the suicidal thoughts I knew it was time to see my nurse practitioner. I realize that the only person who can be my own advocate is me.

About the Author: Cristina C. Fender, 34, is rapidly becoming an expert on Bipolar Disorder. She has been researching Bipolar Disorder and blogging about her own experiences for several years. At age 21 she was diagnosed with depression and saw psychiatrists for over ten years before she was correctly diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder I. Her vision for writing at Raw Writing for the Real World of Bipolar is to inform and educate the public about mental illness. Feel free to Email Cristina a comment or a question.Click here to Subscribe in a Reader.

© 2009 Cristina C. Fender

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Much thanks to HealthyPlace.com and an anonymous donor for donating money for my Walk for NAMI this weekend. To find out more visit Super Bipolar Brain and Body.

I walked this weekend even though I visited my psychiatrist last week and she told me that I'm depressed. She put me on Pristiq until I can get over the hump of it. I have just been feeling sad and alone because of my father's death. This holiday season will be particularly hard on me. I always had my dad. He always called me on my birthday, which is this week, and we talked every few days. It's been difficult not being able to call him and ask him questions and to hear his voice. I wanted to spend Thanksgiving with him this year since he was finally living in the States, but that is not meant to be. And then there's Christmas. I wanted to spend Christmas with him, too.

But, it wasn't meant to be and I have to deal with that. I guess I'm not dealing as well as I thought I was. But I know it will get better.

About the Author: Cristina C. Fender, 34, is rapidly becoming an expert on Bipolar Disorder. She has been researching Bipolar Disorder and blogging about her own experiences for several years. At age 21 she was diagnosed with depression and saw psychiatrists for over ten years before she was correctly diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder I. Her vision for writing at Raw Writing for the Real World of Bipolar is to inform and educate the public about mental illness. Feel free to Email Cristina a comment or a question.Click here to Subscribe in a Reader.

© 2009 Cristina C. Fender

I had a hard week. I got out of bed to do the essentials and then I went back to bed. I was so very, very tired.

I got off my Geodon a couple of months ago because the shakes were hard to handle. I increased my Lithium a month ago and I've been so tired ever since.

I thought it was my lack of exercise that was making me tired so I tried exercising. I was still tired. I let my exercise regimen lag because I was so tired.

Is it the Lithium that is making me so tired or is something else medically wrong with me? I don't know...I'm going to have some tests done to find out.

In the meantime, I'm going to ask my psychiatric nurse to add back in the Geodon along with Cogentin to control the shakes. She doesn't think it will work to control the shakes, but I'll willing to experiment. I think that the Geodon will help control my paranoia and my irritability. I think the Lithium is making me tired and, well, I'm tired of that!

I don't know if I should add the Geodon right now or after my oldest goes back to school. Geodon makes me so exhausted for the first two weeks that I increase the dose. Definitely no alcohol for me, although I haven't had a drink for ages. My only vice for now is cigarettes and I'm even cutting back on those, hoping that I'll stop smoking soon. I went almost a week without cigarettes, but then I got so stressed out that I started smoking again. Now I'm only smoking 5 cigarettes a day. Yesterday I smoked even less.

Anyway, I'll prevail! I always bounce back!

About the Author: Cristina C. Fender, 34, has been researching Bipolar Disorder and blogging about her own experiences for several years. At age 21 she was diagnosed with depression and saw psychiatrists for over ten years before she was correctly diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder I. Her vision for writing at Raw Writing for the Real World of Bipolar is to inform and educate the public about mental illness. Feel free to Email Cristina a comment or a question.Click here to Subscribe in a Reader.

© 2009 Cristina C. Fender

I spent the last Monday and Tuesday in bed. Last Thursday I added 300 mg of Lithium to my meds. At first I felt anxious and a little high and then the last two days I was so tired that I could hardly wake up. I felt so tired that I napped most of the day. I woke up just to eat and then I went back to bed. I'm thankful that my husband helped out with the kids. Wednesday I woke up ready to deal with the world.

On the first day I called my father, who's now in a regular room in the hospital, to see how he was doing. He has another blood clot in his arm. Oh, joy. A clot that could go to his heart at anytime. He's not taking his coumadin (which would help with the clot) due to the surgery he just had--it would make him bleed out. He's still not eating yet (he's on IV sustenance) and he says he's damn hungry. I feel bad for him. I would hate to be hungry. The surgeon said his surgery was extensive and major and he doesn't want him eating just yet. This makes for a grumpy daddy.

He's sitting there all day long with nothing to do. And he's doing nothing but thinking. I think he's a little depressed. I found out later that his wife said that when he found out about the clot he broke down and cried. He told her that he thinks he's going to die. He told me that he doesn't know what he did for this to happen to him. I told him that he can't think like that if he wants to get better. I told him what I do when things get me down. I think that things could be worse. The tumor could've gotten bigger than it was and then there would've been more extensive damage. I told him that he needs to focus on the positive aspects and that he'll get better sooner if he does.

Then I reminded him of the tumor that they haven't looked at (I didn't know he was that upset until later). He thought that they had taken care of that in the surgery. I told him that the surgeon had said that it wasn't big enough for him to take it out. He was unaware of this so he's going to ask again to see if it can be biopsied. They need to take care of everything while he's sitting in the hospital. I was surprised that his wife hadn't told him anything. Maybe she didn't want to bother him, but I think it's important he has all the facts. After all, this is his life.

I don't want him to give up, either. He needs to fight. I called him last night and his blood sugar was dangerously low. He was being tested every hour as they frantically tried to increase his blood sugar level. I find it odd that his level dropped so dramatically since he's still not eating and he's on this constant high fructose syrup that drips into his IV. To top that off his arm is highly swollen and liquids aren't draining out of his stomach. They were going to do ultrasounds last night.

Maybe this is just a minor setback. I hope so. There's just this horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach like something's going to go wrong again. It was different when Dad was mentally stronger. Like if he was strong, then I could be strong. I think that this all has gone on so long that I feel like giving up. I know that I gave up a long time ago and I thought that whatever happened I would deal with it, but then I was given hope from that surgeon that Dad would make a full recovery. Now I'm starting to lose that hope. I have to find the strength in me somewhere to make it back to that hope. Somewhere in me is the strength. I just have to find it again.


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I told her that I reduced the amount of Geodon I've been taking and the shakiness that I had been experiencing has stopped. She was pleased to hear that and didn't say anything about my decision. She's good about letting me decide my own fate, thereby deciding how much medicine I should be taking.

I told her that I thought it would be good to increase my Lithium again. I'm about to go through my yearly depression that lasts five months and I want to be prepared. I think we'll increase it again in a couple of months to combat the depression.

My current meds are as follows:

• 1200 mg Lithium
• 60 mg Geodon
• .5 mg Xanax (as needed)
  
• 10 mg Ambien
• 15 mg Adderall (as needed)
  

Usuallly I get so worked up before an appointment with my psychiatric nurse that I have anxiety days ahead of time. This time I did well. I still had anxiety but it was over my dad not my appointment.

My dad is doing better. They took him off the ventilator yesterday. He's still in ICU, but I have a feeling that he'll be out of there soon. My anxiety is easing somewhat. I just get so worried late at night when I'm supposed to be sleeping that I have to take my Xanax.

Thanks to Psychotherapy Brown Bag for linking to me on their website! If you haven't checked the website out, you should. Right now he has a terrific article on Bipolar Disorder. He's promised to write a guest article soon on Bipolar Disorder. I look forward to it!


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There's a lot of debate out there about whether or not one should take medications for Bipolar Disorder. I've heard from a few people that they're off their medications and they feel that works for them. Then there are people who couldn't function without medications.

It also depends on whether or not the diagnosis is correct. It can often take years to be correctly diagnosed as Bipolar. In the meantime you may be diagnosed as having Unipolar Depression. If you have unipolar depression then you may be able to be off your medications for a while or permanently. If the depression is reoccurring then you'll probably have to be on medications permanently.

Bipolar Disorder, if properly diagnosed, is not something that can easily controlled without medication. If you can control your symptoms while being medication free it is possible that you only have cyclomythia, a light form of Bipolar Disorder. If you have Bipolar I or II, You will need to be medicated if you want to be symptom free or even close to normal. Rapid cycling, alternating between cycles of depression and mania in one day, one week or one month, is hard to control without medication.

There is evidence that, should you choose to remain medication free, that your disorder will worsen with time. Your episodes of mania and depression will occur more frequently and more forcefully. Bipolar Disorder will never simply go away. You can choose to control it with medication or you can choose to live with it. This is a decision that only you can make. Do you mind that your disorder disrupts your lifestyle?

Bipolar Disorder can be a debilitating disease. I'm pro-medication because I choose to want to live my life without pain. That doesn't mean that medication will make it all go away. For me, it simply dulls the cycles of mania and depression. My behavior is much less erratic with medication. Cycles of mania, depression, and psychotic episodes are much less infrequent with proper medication.

That being said, it can often take years to find the correct medication to control your illness. I've tried Seroquel, Zyprexa, Lamictal, and Lithium along with antipsychotics like Abilify, Risperadal, and Geodon. I found that Lithium and Geodon works the best for me, but it may not be the same for you. Then you have to find the correct dosage that works for you. I've been on Lithium and Geodon for over a year and I still find that the dosage need periodic tweaking.

Then there are the side effects to consider. Everything from sleepiness to insomnia to eating more or less to shakiness can be yours for the price of these medications. Are they worth putting up with? That all depends on you. I found the side effects of Seroquel, Zyprexa and Lamictal to be too great to put up with, especially since they didn't seem to affect my disorder much. I shake due to taking Lithium. I've contemplated going off the medication, but I just can't do it. It works. It's been the only thing that's worked and there are just not enough mood stabilizers to go around. It comes down to whether or not I feel compelled to take medication to stabilize my disorder.

Do I want to live a normal life or be on disability for the rest of my life? Hence, I choose the medication. I've lowered the dosage to decrease my shakiness. If I begin cycling up and down then I probably will increase the medication again. It's the choice I have to make. Do I enjoy the shakes? No. Do I enjoy regular life with my family? Yes. Only you can decide what's right for you and never let anyone tell you differently. This is your only chance at life. You need to decide if medication is right for you.


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I talked to an old friend this weekend and happened to mention my frustration with my mildly manic phase. The next day, Mother's Day, I got a phone call at 7am that she was concerned with the amount of prescription drugs I'm on. I tried to calmly state my case why I need to be on all these drugs. I didn't convince her. After we got off the phone I started to get mad. Why do I need to justify to people what I do to take care of my illness?

I think that most people have no idea what it's like to live with this illness. If they did, then there wouldn't be questions such as these. Do I like being on several meds to regulate me? Hell no! But, it's necessary. Mild phases are much preferable to extreme phases. Of course I'd rather be mildly manic than seeing things that aren't there! Oh, I wish they understood! Instead I have people who are "concerned" for me that are bullying me to get off my medications. I'm not going to do anything for anyone else. This is my body and my mind. I'm uniquely qualified to understand what's going on with me. Nobody else can do that. I've spent more time on my 'education' than even most psychiatrists.




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I can't sleep. All I can think about is this panicky feeling that I've been experiencing this week and the conclusion I've come to---I'm in a phase again. I've been obsessed with the Internet and my book and sending out query letters. I feel wired and when I don't feel wired I wish I were wired. It's a non-ending cycle.

I always knew that remission was bullshit. I had, well, I had nine months of blissful unawakenings. And the one thing that fucked it up was my father. He was so goddamn insistent that my meds needed to be changed because he was overly concerned about my fucking shakes. Shakes are nothing compared to my sanity, I want to scream at him!

Do I wait it out? Or do I go back on my Lithium? I don't think that can be decided tonight now that I've taken a Xanax and an Ambien. I was on my way to bed, but then I had this realization that something was wrong with me.

Something's been wrong with me for so long that I don't even know where to start. Where do I start and where does my bipolar end? I want my bipolar to end, but that's never going to be the case. I have to learn to live with my idiosyncrasies. I need to be gentle with myself now. I'm going back to bed. This will still be here in the morning.



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I went to see my psychiatric practice nurse the other day.

I discussed the need for more Xanax when I'm trying to get off Lithium due to it making me shake. I told her that I don't need it all the time, but that I do need it when I'm going off Lithium. She told me that if I don't need it all the time that I should have enough to get me through the times when I'm trying to get off Lithium. *sigh*

Oh, well. I hope that there's enough when I'm going through a hard time. I do only take it once a day when I'm having a good day. I've been avoiding taking it even if I'm the slightest bit anxious. I guess that'll have to do. Unless, of course, I change psychiatrists.

I have been thinking of going back to Dr. Lam. I don't know if that's a wise idea since he put me on Seroquel and Zyprexa the last time I saw him. Lithium and Geodon have been working for me, but the Lithium is making me shake a lot. It's not a good thing when a stranger asks, "Why do you shake a lot?" Having to explain to him that I'm on Lithium is not something I want to do on a regular basis. I don't want to come across as a mental freak!



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I need to change my meds.

It's time for a change. I started taking my Lithium again when my psychiatric practice nurse wouldn't give my anything in addition to what I was taking to make the anxiety I was experiencing stop. So, I took charge. I made the executive decision.

Now, it's time to look for new meds. I'm thinking about taking Effexor. It's been doing a lot of good for my bipolar cousin. The only thing that gives me pause is she can't have an orgasm. I have anxiety, bad. It's supposed to do wonders for anxiety.

I think my nurse tried to sell me on Symbyax, but I'm never taking anything that has Zyprexa in it again. Zyprexa made me have high anxiety. No, thanks.

If anyone out there has a cocktail that's working for them, please let me know.

Right now I'm on 1200 mg Lithium, 120 mg Geodon, 40 mg Prozac, 10 mg Ambien, 30 mg Adderall and .5 mg of Xanax as needed (nurse only gives me three a day, right now I'm taking like five for the anxiety).



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