Raw Writing for the Real World of Bipolar

Today I'm sharing with you an excerpt from my book, Reaching for Sanity. I hope you like it.

One

I was anxious, clawing at my skin, crying and breathing irregularly. I was having suicidal thoughts, but not any I would act on---merely I wanted these feelings to end. I’m pregnant, so the thought of harming my unborn baby was atrocious to me. However, I had to have an emergency visit with my psych doctor. He wanted to hospitalize me, but I said no. I was scared of the cost, scared of what it’s like. What if they kept me there indefinitely? I’d never been to the mental hospital before.

Boy, my doc is an asshole! I was told almost as soon as I sat down that I had to be taken off of the Depakote and Ambien that he had prescribed for me on Monday. He asked me how far along I was and I told him. He said, three or four weeks? I said, no, three months. He said that I couldn’t take those meds while I’m pregnant. I started crying. He asked me what my OB had okayed as far as meds. I said I hadn’t asked her yet about these two specific meds, but that she had stated that we needed to weigh the good to the mother and child at the same time. She stated that it’s more important for me to be stable since I have bipolar. He said the fetus could be in danger and he didn’t want that on his record. He told me to call my OB and ask her to send a written statement stating what meds she wanted me on. I said that wasn’t her area of expertise and he said it was her call. He said she was passing the buck onto him. I told him I thought that was ridiculous.

Of course, by this time I exploded. I said that I had told him every single time I’ve seen him how far along I was and my due date except the last time when I was having a nervous breakdown and he should have it in my chart by now. I asked him why I needed to discontinue the Depakote and Ambien when it’s been working and what the difference it was between today and yesterday. He said yesterday I was suicidal. I said that I never said that I would harm my baby or myself. I just said that I wanted these feelings to end. I told him that I thought the only difference was that now he remembered I was pregnant. He agreed. So, I simply said, what if I go home and hurt myself, won’t that be harming my baby? Wouldn’t it just be better to just medicate me so that wouldn’t happen? Boy, he jumped on that one and began writing furiously in his notes. I thanked him for his time and quickly left. What an asshole!!

Ugh!! I’m so pissed and depressed! I haven’t been feeling THAT much better, but I haven’t been feeling as anxious. I still lay around all day and sleep a lot, but I’m not better.

The doctor said that I should go to the hospital to prevent myself from hurting myself, but I don’t really think there’s any danger in that. Should I still go to the hospital to get my meds regulated? What should I do now that I need a doctor pronto?

Seeing things move that aren’t moving. Is this mania? What is mania? Racing thoughts. No motivation. Mild anxiety.

It’s 12:31 am and I’m awake and taking a bath. Hope the computer doesn’t fall in.

I have often wondered if my husband, Darren, would’ve married me if we had known about my Bipolar Disorder. He told me today that he wishes he knew how to help me. I guess the best way to help him is to help myself. My whole life I’ve put others first. Now it’s my time to put myself first.

Sleepy. Mild anger. Mild anxiety. Moderate anxiety and anger when Alexis, my three-year-old daughter, would not go to bed. UGH! I just want to have a little bit of PEACE! I can’t even take a bath by myself!!!!!!!!!

Oh, how sick I am of the drugs! Today I tried half an Adderall to try and get me jump started out of this depression, but so far nothing is happening. Oh, how I detest this illness!


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About the Author: Cristina C. Fender, 34, is rapidly becoming an expert on Bipolar Disorder. She has been researching Bipolar Disorder and blogging about her own experiences for several years. At age 21 she was diagnosed with depression and saw psychiatrists for over ten years before she was correctly diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder I. Her vision for writing at Raw Writing for the Real World of Bipolar is to inform and educate the public about mental illness. Feel free to Email Cristina a comment or a question.Click here to Subscribe in a Reader.

© 2009 Cristina C. Fender

I'm still plugging away on my book. I finally finished editing it. It's 74,000 words long, 404 pages. Now I have to go through it and shorten the book by taking out some of the information. It shouldn't take long to do that.

I've been researching agents to send it to. I have to write a proposal, which I'm dreading. I've read numerous books on the subject, but I still find it daunting to write it. I'm going to work on it today. I'm also going to rework my query letter.

It's hard work being a writer!

On the bipolar front---I have an appointment with my psychiatric practice nurse today. I always get so nervous before an appointment! Today I have to talk to her about my anxiety and the need for more Xanax when I need it. I hope she's receptive. I also have to tell her that I'm still on Lithium. Right now I'm taking 900 mg of Lithium. I hope to go down to 600 mg soon to help me stop shaking. I think that I might also go down on my Geodon. We'll see.

Right now I'm doing good. My anxiety is under control. For the past two weeks I've been able to take just one Xanax a day. Yea!


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© 2009 Cristina Fender

I'm starting to have self doubts. Is my book good enough to be published? I haven't received any positive responses to my book yet except one from a bogus agent that charges fees. I'm going to keep on truckin', though. If you can dream it, you can do it, right?

On the bipolar front---I'm doing okay. My anxiety is back to normal. I'm still shaking like crazy, though. It's so embarrassing. But, I don't have a choice. I need to talk to my psychiatric practice nurse about something to help with the anxiety while I get off of the Lithium. Or maybe I can just adjust the dosage to half the amount. Either way, I need help with the anxiety before I can get off the Lithium.

Today we go to see our daughter do her cheerleading thing at a basketball game. I love to see her cheer! She brings a huge smile to my face. Then we're off to a birthday party at Chuck E. Cheese for my cousin's son. Mara loves Chuck E. Cheese. She'll be ecstatic! *grin*



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© 2009 Cristina Fender

I've been preparing my manuscript to be sent out to a literary agent. I'm nervous. I want it to go well. I'm impressed with their way of doing business. I would like to be represented by them.

I have to remind myself that if it doesn't work out that there are a million other agencies out there. I need to remember not to put all my eggs in one basket.

On the bipolar front---I'm doing okay. My anxiety has calmed down somewhat. I'm back on my old med schedule---two geodons and four lithium. I noticed the shaking has increased, but I'm unsure about how to proceed with that. I'd rather have shaking than anxiety.

My father doesn't understand. He thinks that I'm being far too compliant and I should take charge of my meds more. But, I feel that I am. I'm making informed decisions about my care and that's the best I can do right now.



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© 2009 Cristina Fender

The rewrite is done. I'm back to working on my book. So far, I've gotten 150 pages in sequence. I need to work on the next 100 pages and then I'll be able to do a good deal of editing.

I've been researching literary agents in Writer's Market and I'm working on writing a query letter with help from both Writer's Market and The Shortest Distance Between You and a Published Book. My next project is to write up a proposal.

Needless to say, I'm busy. It's good to be busy. It leaves me less time to be anxious.

Mara's birthday party is this weekend. I should be packing, but instead I'm anxiously awaiting my editor to get back to me on my column. I hope the rewrites were what she wanted.



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© 2009 Cristina Fender

Writing a book is hard work. I've been at it for over a week now and the editing is a bitch. But, strangely, I like it regardless of the anxiety it causes me to look over old blog posts. Thank god for Xanax!

I haven't heard any feedback yet on my column. I'm waiting to hear any day now if it's good enough to be published. I know it's good. I know it in my bones, but is it what they wanted? We'll see.

I've been giving a lot of thought to my disorder lately. It still sucks that I have bipolar, but right now it's manageable. The anxiety is a bitch, but it's still more manageable than when I was pregnant. I don't want to kill myself---that's a good sign, right?



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© 2009 Cristina Fender