Life is a Journey...

I've climbed mountains and walked through valleys in my lifetime. Some days are good, some days are bad. Faith in my own strength keeps me going and the love of my family. I welcome you to my journey.

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Excerpt from Reaching for Sanity, Chapter One

Today I'm sharing with you an excerpt from my book, Reaching for Sanity. I hope you like it.

One


I was anxious, clawing at my skin, crying and breathing irregularly. I was having suicidal thoughts, but not any I would act on---merely I wanted these feelings to end. I’m pregnant, so the thought of harming my unborn baby was atrocious to me. However, I had to have an emergency visit with my psych doctor. He wanted to hospitalize me, but I said no. I was scared of the cost, scared of what it’s like. What if they kept me there indefinitely? I’d never been to the mental hospital before.


Boy, my doc is an asshole! I was told almost as soon as I sat down that I had to be taken off of the Depakote and Ambien that he had prescribed for me on Monday. He asked me how far along I was and I told him. He said, three or four weeks? I said, no, three months. He said that I couldn’t take those meds while I’m pregnant. I started crying. He asked me what my OB had okayed as far as meds. I said I hadn’t asked her yet about these two specific meds, but that she had stated that we needed to weigh the good to the mother and child at the same time. She stated that it’s more important for me to be stable since I have bipolar. He said the fetus could be in danger and he didn’t want that on his record. He told me to call my OB and ask her to send a written statement stating what meds she wanted me on. I said that wasn’t her area of expertise and he said it was her call. He said she was passing the buck onto him. I told him I thought that was ridiculous.

Of course, by this time I exploded. I said that I had told him every single time I’ve seen him how far along I was and my due date except the last time when I was having a nervous breakdown and he should have it in my chart by now. I asked him why I needed to discontinue the Depakote and Ambien when it’s been working and what the difference it was between today and yesterday. He said yesterday I was suicidal. I said that I never said that I would harm my baby or myself. I just said that I wanted these feelings to end. I told him that I thought the only difference was that now he remembered I was pregnant. He agreed. So, I simply said, what if I go home and hurt myself, won’t that be harming my baby? Wouldn’t it just be better to just medicate me so that wouldn’t happen? Boy, he jumped on that one and began writing furiously in his notes. I thanked him for his time and quickly left. What an asshole!!


Ugh!! I’m so pissed and depressed! I haven’t been feeling THAT much better, but I haven’t been feeling as anxious. I still lay around all day and sleep a lot, but I’m not better.


The doctor said that I should go to the hospital to prevent myself from hurting myself, but I don’t really think there’s any danger in that. Should I still go to the hospital to get my meds regulated? What should I do now that I need a doctor pronto?


Seeing things move that aren’t moving. Is this mania? What is mania? Racing thoughts. No motivation. Mild anxiety.


It’s 12:31 am and I’m awake and taking a bath. Hope the computer doesn’t fall in.

I have often wondered if my husband, Darren, would’ve married me if we had known about my Bipolar Disorder. He told me today that he wishes he knew how to help me. I guess the best way to help him is to help myself. My whole life I’ve put others first. Now it’s my time to put myself first.


Sleepy. Mild anger. Mild anxiety. Moderate anxiety and anger when Alexis, my three-year-old daughter, would not go to bed. UGH! I just want to have a little bit of PEACE! I can’t even take a bath by myself!!!!!!!!!


Oh, how sick I am of the drugs! Today I tried half an Adderall to try and get me jump started out of this depression, but so far nothing is happening. Oh, how I detest this illness!


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About the AuthorAbout the Author:
Cristina C. Fender, 34, is rapidly becoming an expert on Bipolar Disorder. She has been researching Bipolar Disorder and blogging about her own experiences for several years. At age 21 she was diagnosed with depression and saw psychiatrists for over ten years before she was correctly diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder I. Her vision for writing at Raw Writing for the Real World of Bipolar is to inform and educate the public about mental illness. Feel free to Email Cristina a comment or a question.Click here to Subscribe in a Reader.

© 2009 Cristina C. Fender

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