Going Over the Side
A month and a half ago I was put on an antidepressant--Pristiq. It's worked well. A little too well. Last night I went to bed at 9pm and I'm now awake at 1:30. I tried taking Xanax to calm me down so I could go back to sleep, but it's not working yet. I went down on the Pristiq last week in the hopes that it would control my sleeping patterns better, but it's not working. I think that I'm going to have to come off it all together. This is an awful time to be coming off my antidepressant, but I don't want to go over to mania. That will just lead me to a big crash and a big depression. I don't want to be in the hospital for the new year.
If only it would've worked and I would've been stable! I feel awful that it's not working like I want it to. I can feel the anger boiling under the surface and I know it's the mania speaking to me. This damn bipolar! I would give anything for it to go away, but it's not and I have to deal with it even if I feel like giving up. Meds only take one so far, ya know? I'm tired of battling for moments of joy, even if those moments of joy make life worth living. I'd like to have more moments of joy. Instead I'm given a heaping dose of reality and that reality is dark most of the time. I have to remember that even though the moments of joy are fleeting that they're there, waiting for me when I most need them. I'm thankful for them.
A girl. Exploring the world of Bipolar Disorder one day at a time. Informing and educating the public about mental illness.
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© 2009 Cristina C. Fender
