Raw Writing for the Real World of Bipolar

Today's my dad's birthday. I'm not sure if words are enough to express how I feel. I cried my tears yesterday. I'm finally resolved that he's dead and isn't coming back. I wish I could talk to him today. Instead, I'll talk to his picture and tell him how much he meant to me. I'm also taking a picture of the cake I'm baking and sending it to all my loved ones. I know they'll be thinking of him today, too.

I'm not looking forward to the New Year holiday this year. It's the time of year that my father always spent with us. We'd drink champagne, go out to dinner, and spend time with each other laughing and joking. It always made me happy. Instead, this year we'll still drink champagne and sit and watch the ball drop. I'll make some fried shrimp and we'll let my oldest stay up (if she can) to watch the ball drop with us on TV. It'll still be nice, but I'll miss my father and the way his eyes lit up when he saw his grandchildren. I'll miss his laugh. I'll miss his hugs.

But, I'll get through it. I know that I can do it. I just have to focus on what I do have. The New Year will bring lightness into my life. I just have to get through New Year's.



A girl. Exploring the world of Bipolar Disorder one day at a time. Informing and educating the public about mental illness.

About the Author. Feel free to Email Cristina a comment or a question.Share Your Own Bipolar Story. Click here to Subscribe in a Reader.

© 2009 Cristina C. Fender

I've gained 20 lbs since September. I attribute it to my antidepressant and being depressed. What's one to do? Stay thin and become insane or get fat and be sane?

My weight gain is really bothering me. I was already overweight, but now I'm obese. And I had worked so hard to lose weight over this past year. It makes me want to cry. Why do have to choose between sanity and fitness?

I'm waiting for the day when these Bipolar medications don't have such awful side effects. When will that be? Do researchers even care that these medications are supposed to make us happy, but they make us unhappy at the same time?

I got my thyroid under control. Now I'm going to start walking again and I'm eliminating carbs out of my diet. Christmas will be hell. My mother-in-law makes these peanut butter balls that are phenomenal. I guess I'll have to suffer. I have to get this weight off as soon as possible!




A girl. Exploring the world of Bipolar Disorder one day at a time. Informing and educating the public about mental illness.

About the Author. Feel free to Email Cristina a comment or a question.Share Your Own Bipolar Story. Click here to Subscribe in a Reader.

© 2009 Cristina C. Fender

I saw New Moon this weekend. Bella undergoes a depression when her boyfriend leaves her. It reminded me of myself. She sat like a zombie in front of her window for months, thinking of her situation. It frightened me that I saw myself in her. When I'm in a depression I cry for a little while and the rest of the time I see the world pass me by.

It's not like I want the world to pass me by, I just feel helpless to do anything about it. My mind whirls or sometimes it doesn't. Sometimes I just want to pull the covers over my head and ignore the world. I feel helpless to do anything about it.

At least this time I had the courage to seek out help before it got too bad. I'm on antidepressants. However, I'm sleeping less and less. Last night I only slept five hours. I think it's time to go off the antidepressants. Mania will soon be around the corner if I don't do anything about it. I have to be vigilant when it comes to my own care. I may not be a zombie anymore, but I don't want to become a different kind of monster, either.

About the Author: Cristina C. Fender, 34, is rapidly becoming an expert on Bipolar Disorder. She has been researching Bipolar Disorder and blogging about her own experiences for several years. At age 21 she was diagnosed with depression and saw psychiatrists for over ten years before she was correctly diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder I. Her vision for writing at Raw Writing for the Real World of Bipolar is to inform and educate the public about mental illness. Feel free to Email Cristina a comment or a question.Share Your Own Bipolar Story. Click here to Subscribe in a Reader.

© 2009 Cristina C. Fender