Sad and Angry
I haven't been posting much here. I feel kind of alone right now. There's not much to talk about. I've just been trying to make it through the day. I'm not exactly still crying for my dad. I haven't cried about him in weeks, but I still think about him every day. I keep reliving my memories of him in my mind.
I entered the anger stage of grief and I am so angry with him for lying to me about his condition, like I could've done something to prevent this tragedy. I know that even if I had known about his condition that I probably couldn't have prevented the outcome, but I'm also angry with myself for not being there when he needed me. I thought, because he told me, that the only reason he was still in the hospital was because he needed to be feed by IV and the doctors were being cautious. I didn't know that he had an infection that wasn't clearing up. I would've suggested surgery a lot sooner for him had I but known. And the tumors--why wasn't I more insistent that they check those out? Why wasn't his wife more insistent? I would do anything to have this been a bad dream, but there's nothing that I can do and that makes me angrier.
My birthday is coming up and I should feel excited, but all I feel is dread. I will be sad. My father won't be calling to wish me a happy birthday or taking me out to eat to celebrate. I don't want to be sad anymore. But, I think the hardiest part of not seeing him will be for the upcoming holidays.
I'm taking my prescribed medications and they're getting me through this. I may not feel like doing much, but at least I'm not tied to my bed, crying my eyes out. My dad wouldn't have wanted that.
About the Author: Cristina C. Fender, 34, is rapidly becoming an expert on Bipolar Disorder. She has been researching Bipolar Disorder and blogging about her own experiences for several years. At age 21 she was diagnosed with depression and saw psychiatrists for over ten years before she was correctly diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder I. Her vision for writing at Raw Writing for the Real World of Bipolar is to inform and educate the public about mental illness. Feel free to Email Cristina a comment or a question.Click here to Subscribe in a Reader.
© 2009 Cristina C. Fender
