Raw Writing for the Real World of Bipolar

I am alone. At least, I feel alone. And, it's my own fault. I feel lonely in my own family and I shouldn't feel that way. This loneliness is self-inflicted. I push people away. I don't want anyone to get too close for fear that they won't like what they see.

I push my family away. For the past month I've been holding my children at a distance. I hug and kiss them, but there is no emotion involved except annoyance. I'm annoyed all the time now. My dear husband tries to lure me out, but I hold him, too, at a distance. Not physically. I let him hug me and kiss me, but I don't actively participate. It's not that I don't love him, it's just that I'm holding myself back.

I feel like I shouldn't get too close to them. They might see more into my soul more than everyone else and they might not like what he sees. I know this is ridiculous since they've been with me through the worst times in my life, but reason doesn't work here.

I feel a deep seated shame over my behavior the past month. I've been critical and irritable and angry. How could my husband love me when I'm like that? I feel the horrible emotion and I try to withhold it from coming out of my mouth, but often times the emotion wins.

I'm constantly on the lookout for the beginnings of mania and depression. Sometimes I feel like that takes all my energy. I'm more stable than I've ever been in my life, but I still have a fear that Bipolar will take over my life. I still have bad days when I'm depressed for the day or I have horrible anger, but I'm pleased to say that the hallucinations are gone. I still have insomnia problems, but I've learned to deal with it by taking naps and trying to get more sleep. I am working on it. Now it's time to work on being less reserved.

I didn't used to be so reserved. I once was bubbly and friendly. The Bipolar has made me scared to be myself. I think I'm a monster inside. Why would I share that with others? I need to be less terrified and put myself out there. What's the worst that could happen?

My resolution is simple. I'm going to try and hold back the anger and criticisms from now on. I'm going to feel each and every embrace and stop what I'm doing to enjoy it. When I meet new people I'm not going to be reserved. I'm going to be myself. Maybe then I won't feel so lonely.

About the Author: Cristina C. Fender, 34, is rapidly becoming an expert on Bipolar Disorder. She has been researching Bipolar Disorder and blogging about her own experiences for several years. At age 21 she was diagnosed with depression and saw psychiatrists for over ten years before she was correctly diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder I. Her vision for writing at Raw Writing for the Real World of Bipolar is to inform and educate the public about mental illness. Feel free to Email Cristina a comment or a question.Click here to Subscribe in a Reader.

© 2009 Cristina C. Fender

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