Raw Writing for the Real World of Bipolar

Have you ever seen or heard things that aren't really there? You're probably experiencing psychosis.

I've seen cockroaches and ants crawling on the walls that weren't really there. I was in the middle of a manic cycle. At first, it wasn't all that traumatic because I've seen bugs that weren't really there during other times in my life. I just thought it was my imagination, not a psychotic episode.

I've also heard things like my child yelling for me and squeals and buzzing in my ears. Once again, I thought that it was my imagination working overtime. It was a little annoying, but I got through it.

When I saw a picture of an eye wink at me, during another manic phase, that I freaked out. Why was my brain making me see things like that? Mania makes things a little weird. Your entire body freaks out from lack of sleep. I was tired, very tired. It makes sense that I would see and hear things out of the normal.

After I had my baby, I experienced postpartum psychosis. I saw two androids standing at the edge of my chair holding out their hands to take the baby to me. I really freaked out then. It was the most horrific thing I've seen. I had gone weeks without proper sleep. My body was protesting and it was time for me to listen.

Since then I've been taking Ambien to sleep. Without sleep my moods fluctuated a lot so the best thing I could do was to sleep on a regular basis. I haven't seen or heard anything abnormal for a while. I'm very thankful, too. Seeing things or hearing things just made me feel crazy. I was up for anything that didn't make me feel that way.

Ambien was a god send. I take it faithfully every night. Moods are more controllable with proper sleep patterns. With the exception of times when I've had to adjust my dosages, my moods have been under control. And that is a god send.

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© 2009 Cristina Fender