Raw Writing for the Real World of Bipolar

Once in a while I want to go off my meds because I get so frustrated with all the changes and finding the right mix. When I get these feelings I want to isolate. The sort of "just leave me alone and let me deal with all this myself" kind of feeling.

Appetite increase with metabolism decrease makes me angry. My doctor asks me "would you rather be unstable or thin," then gives me the disapproving doctor look (I know it well my dad was a doc) when I answer "thin." Vanity vs Sanity, what would you pick? If I were manic I would exercise, eat less and the house would be sparkly clean. But that's a lie. If I were manic I would be agitated, angry and unable to focus. I would spend too much money and not get enough sleep, and end up back into the self-hatred spiral downward again. Times like this are when I want to stop my meds.

Financial issues are another reason I often want to stop my meds. I am disabled because of my mental illness, and unfortunately effective medications are very expensive. Some drug companies have programs to help with the expenses, but not all of them.

I have tried almost every current "approved for bipolar" med there is, and am one of those people that usually gets all the serious side effects. I stopped reading them on the drug info because I thought maybe it was psychosomatic, but that wasn't the problem. It's frustrating that there just isn't one medication, because it seems almost impossible to get the right mix. I take one hormone replacement because of a hysterectomy, I take one blood pressure medication, and I take one thyroid medication. I wish it would be this simple for bipolar disorder. I suppose I also have to take into consideration not only how each of my psych meds interact with each other, but also how they interact with my non-psych meds. There definitely needs to be more research done on the effective use of medications.

While the logical part of my brain understands the importance of medication in managing mental illness, there’s another part that just gets so frustrated I want to give up and take nothing. My issue isn’t with lack of creativity like some people complain about, mine is purely vanity and general frustration.

My name is Sheri, I’ve been diagnosed with Bipolar 1 Disorder & PTSD for about 10 years, and before that depression and anxiety for about 20 years. That’s 30 years with about 30 different kinds of meds, either alone or in various combinations. I’m 51 and have finally found a very kind and understanding person to love me unconditionally. I have a married 22 yr old daughter, one grandson and one on the way. My 18 yr old daughter lives with me, she also has Bipolar 1 Disorder. Three cats allow me to live with them, one belongs to my daughter and she barely tolerates anyone else.

Perfectionist dress designer mother and a physician father, both of whom have passed away, raised me. I have one older brother that I’m not very close with. As I look back over my life I can see how the Bipolar Disorder helped make a mess of my life. I can also see it in my grandmother and my father.

As a survivor of 15 years of domestic violence, I have found strengths within myself that I didn’t know existed. After I was granted sole protective custody of my daughters, I realized I didn’t want them to grow up to repeat what I did, so I tried to instill in them a sense of self-worth. I believe if you treat your children with respect and show them unconditional love they will treat you the same. Both my girls have grown up to be young women I am very proud to know.

I am Jewish but not religious. I believe everyone has the right to believe in whatever they want to, just so long as they’re not hurting anyone or trying to force their beliefs upon others.

I would like to be an example to victims of Domestic Violence by showing them how to look at themselves as survivors rather than victims. I hope to one day be stable enough to go back to school and finish my degree, but unfortunately I haven’t been successful with that endeavor. My ultimate goal is to be an advocate for mental health as well as domestic violence issues.

Sheri can be found at her blog, Reality Hide & Seek, and on Twitter.

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