Raw Writing for the Real World of Bipolar

I have ridden the roller coaster of bipolar for most of my life. Now I recall that I had mood swings as a young girl. I was aware of things that brought me joy but had NO idea why I got so sad. I cried so often.

Self medication with the popular recreational drugs of the 70's worked during my teenage years, however that was a potentially deadly practice. When I quit these drugs at age 22 I did okay for awhile, but then the ugly beast of bipolar reared its head. I stayed up for days at a time, quit eating and looked like a skeleton.

I saw seven doctors and experienced trial and error with Paxil, Prozac, Depakote, Xanax, Clonapin, Ativan, Lexapro, Effexor, Wellbutrin, Lithium and Zoloft. My current doctor, of three years, now medicates me with Lithium, Lamictal, Seroquil and Pristiq. I am on low doses of all. Equally as important as the right medication regimen is talk therapy. I never knew how angry I was. My husband and I divorced after 25 years and crushed my children who were teenagers at the time. The last five years of our marriage was rocky and I was depressed most of the time. My bed became my world. I prayed to die over and over even though I wasn't suicidal. Depression is anger turned inward. It has to be dealt with.

Recently I have avoided both a depressive state and a manic state. To me this is huge. While I used to fight the depression unsuccessfully, I gladly gave in to the mania successfully. Finally I understand that what goes up must come down; the higher you fly with mania, the lower and harder you fall into depression. This keeps me very aware of even the slightest mood shift. What is difficult sometimes is to know the difference between normal feelings of sadness and the onset of depression. That is why I stay in close contact with my doctor, and am diligent in taking my medication.

I used to be so ashamed of my five trips to jail and my four visits to the psych ward. Not that I am proud of it by any means, but it is my journey and it has made me stronger and more compassionate for anyone with any handicap. The most difficult thing for me is the pain my children have endured having their mom go to jail. They too are stronger and more compassionate. The second most difficult thing is the stigma of bipolar when it comes to getting insurance. Because most insurance companies won't insure someone with bipolar it makes me feel they think it is not a real medical condition, just 'something in my head'. NAMI, National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI) is fighting for those of us with bipolar. They are fighting for us politically to remove the stigma of any mental condition.

Rita Caruso is a 52 year old woman and the mother of three. Rita can be found at her blog, Bipolaroni. At 40 years of age she was diagnosed with bipolar and it has taken 12 years to find the right medication mix. The right combination of meds and after several years of talk therapy has led her to manage this condition. It has been a wild ride.

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