Raw Writing for the Real World of Bipolar

The most illuminating-yet incredibly devastating-period of my life happened within the last two years. I lost my friends, my job, my house and almost my husband. Unfortunately, most of these losses were due to being Bipolar, although I did not find out until it was too late.

My best friend from high school was getting married and I of course was the Matron of Honor. And what an honor it was. I loved the girl like my sister and I was enthralled to be able to stand up next to her and watch her marry the man who had managed to steal her heart. The other two bridesmaids were my two other closest friends. One I had met the summer I had met my husband at the job I acquired fresh out of high school, the other I had met through my first REAL job a couple years later. I brought the three girls together and became somewhat inseparable.

Unfortunately marrying young and naïve paired with bouts of mania (usually filled with irrational spending and ridiculous irresponsibility with money) put me in a life full of financial distress. I do not blame anyone other than my husband and I for our money problems, but they quickly began to interfere with other relationships, especially when I became Matron of Honor.

The other two friends did not have money issues and were spurting out money left and right. Being the Matron of Honor I felt I had to do the same, but lacking the money to do so kept making promises that, although I desperately wanted to keep, I would not be able to follow through with. I borrowed more money from one bridesmaid than I should ever have agreed to, with full intentions to pay her back, but a lifestyle that would prevent me from doing so.

At the time that the wedding planning was happening I was also in the process of making the decision to give up my house to foreclosure and file bankruptcy. I kept most of the details from my friends, but the constant urge to be the best Matron of Honor ever caused so much stress I could not bear it. I wanted to put as much into it as the other two girls did, but I did not have the resources. I did however pull every last penny we had into what resources I could manage, to great disapproval of my husband.

Soon the stress began to wear on all my relationships. The girls noticed my stress, although they were not all sure of the origin. Stress turned into depression. Depression so deep I decided my meds weren’t doing the job and refrained from taking them. Depression deepened. If I wasn’t helping with the wedding or working, I was in bed sleeping. I slept about 12 to 18 hours a day.

The wedding went off perfectly and a month later I fell apart. My relationships had deteriorated almost completely. I had even once threatened to back out of the wedding. I was a mess. My husband couldn’t take it any more and we were fighting like crazy. I made the mistake of telling one friend why I was upset with another friend. When she confided in the other and expressed my anger the friend I was upset with then became upset with me. (Probably also because I also owed her so much money at the time) I got angry that this friend I had trusted ratted me out and emailed her expressing my anger. She then expressed her anger and exhaustion over my recent moods. Let me say…it was NOT pretty. I still have not forgiven her for what she had said. I sent all three girls an insanely immature and ridiculous email telling them to just leave me alone and not contact me anymore. It was too hard to be their friend. The one who had betrayed me sent an email back, I refused to read it and deleted it.

That was the first time I broke down. I left work without reason and went to a place where I could be alone…and I cried for over an hour.

No money, no house, no friends and almost no husband.

A couple days after this first break down I got in an enormous fight with my husband and realized I was no longer fit to function. Without telling him where I was going I drove myself to a Mental Hospital. The LOWEST point of my life, yet the most life changing. There I was FINALLY diagnosed with Bipolar. I came home and quit my job, ashamed to go back, and became a SAHM.

The next month my father was in the hospital for quadruple bypass surgery. He made it through ok, but the stress did not help. Two months later my husband lost his job. And four months later we lost our house. It was the WORST year of my entire life.

I have not spoken with my best friend from High School since the ordeal. I got the distinct impression from an email I received after getting home from the Hospital that she agreed with my request to no longer speak. The friend I owed and STILL owe money to attempted to reconcile our relationship, but I believe the fact that I still have been unable to pay her, although I still make poor spending decisions, truly wore on her. I’ve been able to send her a check once, when the money was there, and I fully intend to pay her back with time, but I know that doesn’t change anything. The damage has already been done. The other friend I have yet to forgive, and thus prefer to not even attempt to reconcile. Although I’m sure it wouldn’t be well received anyway. I miss the other two though…immensely. But I am afraid to rekindle the relationships, even now, almost two years later.

I have finally gotten my Bipolar under control with medications and an intense amount of therapy. I still have mania and depression, but now that I am aware of it, it is easier to handle. I make friends with caution and keep a distance. I fear getting close because the loss of the other friends was very hard to heal from. I’ve been lucky enough to remain married, though it is more difficult that I believe marriage should be. He often tires of my mood swings, but does his best to understand them.

We are FINALLY getting control or our finances as well, though it has been hard to come back from where we were. I hope to pay my friend off soon. I will not be content till I have done so. But all these changes aside, my life will never be the same after my diagnoses. I wish I would have known sooner, I may have not lost so many things/people that were important to me!

Marybeth Smith is a Stay at Home Mother to three wonderful children. She has struggled with depression all her life, but it took 10 years to get the correct diagnosis. In her spare time she writes and plays tennis. She is currently seeking representation for her first novel and brainstorming for the next three. You can find her on her blogs Desperately Searching for my Inner Mary Poppins or Beneath the Smiles and Sarcasm or on her Website.

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