A Moment of Self Doubt
I’m a little nervous about this summer. I’ll have two children to entertain except for one to two hours that they take their nap. It’s been a while since I’ve had to do this. I’m panicky because I don’t want to let them down. It’s up to me to show them a good time this summer.
I started out by signing them up for dance classes. Tomorrow’s Little Mara’s first dance class and her mommy (me) is not allowed in the studio. I’m a little freaked. How will she take it? Will she cry for me or be so consumed with all the new friends she’ll make that she won’t even know for an hour that I’m gone. Frankly, I don’t know which one I prefer. This is the first time this has been tested. Part of me wants her to pick me and part of me wants her to be independent and strutt her little stuff out there!
Alexis starts class a few days later. I really think she’ll love it. She’s been running around in her dance costume with her ballet shoes on one minute and her tap shoes on the next! She’s so excited and can’t wait to start. She puts a huge smile on my face. It’s amazing how much she’s grown this past year. She’s so courteous, so smart and she amazes me every single day of my life. I see in her an old soul with a boisterously large heart.
I really want to enrich their lives culturally this summer. I’d love to be able to take Alexis to a play. I want to take them to the Children’s Museum. I want to take them to an Art Gallery. I want to take them on a trip through the Botanical Gardens so they can smell the flowers and see the pretty water features. I want to take them to the Library once a week so that Alexis’ gift of reading does not die over the summer.
I want to do a lot. I hope I can do it. In a small voice, I say, “maybe”. Maybe if I can keep myself together. Maybe if I don’t burst. I’m shaking my head and my heart is beating so hard. I want to do this. I just don’t want my bipolar to get in the way.
Then I must remind myself---“Take it one day at a time. Tomorrow is Mara’s first dance class. Breathe. The other can come if you feel like it. Don’t beat yourself up. You get out of the bed in the morning. You open the blinds. You make the breakfast. You get them dressed. You are in a much better place than you were a year ago. There is much in which to be proud. If the bipolar stuff gets in the way, you’ll be able to push it away. You have much in which to be proud.”
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© 2009 Cristina Fender
Hi there! My name is Anna ( "bipolar_anna" is my nickname) and I'm from Sweden. What you wrote really touched me.
I myself am a mother, and I've been going through that activity angst (my God! what's the English word for that??) SO many times.
Your children seem to be quite small? All the wishes you have for them are so good - but you know, there are many, many years to come - i think for a child all your plans would last years ahead :-)
But perhaps you're more experienced as a mother than I am. Perhaps you know what you want and what you can.
All I can say for myself is, that doing nothing is as angst-gaining as doing to much.
Wish you all the best and that your summer will be nice :-)
Anna
I am so impressed by this piece of writing. You say over and over what you want to do for your daughter; not what you want to do for yourself. I want to do so much and these thoughts clutter my brain. What I do is keep a pad with me all the time and list the things I need to do and what I want to do. Then it is out of my brain and there is room for other ideas and thoughts. As I accomplish things on my list I check them off which gives me a sense of satisfaction. What I don't get done goes on the top of my list for the next. Bless you!