Guest Blogger | Woodroll Call's War of Anger
The evils of my past place a heavy burden me. Not solely as guilt, but for the fact that a part of me, beyond my control, is capable of such heinousness. It seems easy for the self-help experts to say the illness is a part of me but does not define me. “I HAVE bipolar disorder. I AM NOT bipolar disorder.” But how true is that? Were my actions, my mistakes, and my lows irrational and illogical side effects of my bipolar disorder? Or were they simply an extension of who I am at my core? I lie awake at night trying to reconcile the two.Am I in recovery or remission? Just how long will Mr. Hyde remain sleeping? It’s a tough fight when you have never possessed true self-esteem. How can I believe that the good in me can overcome the demons that have run my life for so long? I do not know how to answer the question of where I stop and the illness begins.
Through medication and therapy I have become able to recognize most of my unhealthy thoughts as the illness and wage a war with them in my head. I fight and fight. A day at a time. A thought at a time. A voice at a time. An urge at a time. So far, I am bloodied but winning and persevering.
But I am so very tired. Living with a mental illness is a daily battle. An exhausting, brutal, and confusing fight for sanity and the ideal of so-called normalcy. At times, I try to find the peace in it all. There is a bit of solace in knowing that I am really capable of almost anything…good or bad. That realization comes with a strange mix of feeling free, while completely imprisoned. In no way do I have the false hope of ever sorting it all out.
I fully comprehend that this is a life sentence. All I can do is make each and every day a conscious effort to be well and do what is in my power stay that way. As for which piece of me will win on this very day, that is yet to be decided. But I am geared up and ready for the fight.
Woodroll Call, a 36 year old and uber-proud father of four, resides in Austin, Texas. He has battled mental illness his entire life and finally was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder at age 30. He's an active member of NAMI Austin and served a short stint on the NAMI Texas Board of Directors. He believes that, while knowledge is sometimes frightening, it is also power.
You can follow the madness. http://twitter.com/CaptCall
It does seem like an exhausting,brutal and confusing fight for sanity. Some days are certainly better than others..
Great read!
marsha
www.didyoutakeyourmeds.com
Hi Everyone, Love your website. I'm an Australian woman searching for a Publisher for "ME AND HER" :a Memoir of Madness" about my struggles and triumph over Bipolar Disorder. http://www.karentyrrell.com