Raw Writing for the Real World of Bipolar

I'm 64 and was diagnosed at 40 after I tried to kill myself. By the time I was diagnosed, I was experiencing chronic depression without the mania, so Bipolar didn't come up until much later.

I come from a family of Bipolars. Most of my cousins are now living medication free and I say more power to them. But I know I will never be able to function without medication. We realized that our mothers and their mother all had some form of Bipolar, but talking to them about it was not possible. Like Cristina's mother, any mental health issue was viewed as insanity and not acceptable.

To those people, I explain that I have a chemical imbalance in my brain. That seems to work, even if they don't understand it. As you realize, there are some people who can deal with the sugar coated version, but not the bitter pill. Everyone else gets the whole truth including the bitter pill.

I don't remember a time when I felt "normal". I wished I was dead. In retrospect, I realize I was Bipolar. I married at 18 to a man I didn't love and my parents didn't like. I hated myself and wanted to die. I made my first suicide attempt at 20. For the next twenty years, I cycled unpredictably.

Our children suffered horribly during those years and still carry invisible scars. With a crazy Mom and a drunk for a Dad what chance did they have? It took years of counseling, tenacity and some very tough Love.

My daughter was diagnosed at 35 and my son was diagnosed at 40. My daughter (and granddaughter) are living medication free, but my son takes meds for Schizophrenia as well as Bipolar. Like their father and stepfather, they are both recovering alcoholics/addicts. It took me a looong time to forgive myself for having children with that man!

I was hospitalized twice in 2002; several family issues had destabilized me. After I reached menopause, I began to enjoy life and like myself. After all those chaotic years, I was beginning to feel better about myself. Now, I have a better understanding of who I am, what my meds do for me and that my disorder can not be an excuse for bad behavior. Currently I am taking Effexor, Wellbutrin and Seroquel.

My husband and I are now retired and finally free of parenting our children and their children along with some stray kids they brought home. No kids living at home has finally brought me peace. I take my meds and see my Therapist every month and my Psychiatric Nurse every three months. (This is my first experience with a nurse rather than a Psychiatrist.) That has been my schedule since January 1985 and will be my schedule the rest of my life. I am more stable and happy now than I have ever been in my entire life.

And for all those people who seem to think it's some kind of sin to have and raise children when you are Bipolar; children grow up with parents with all kinds of problems and survive. No one knows what life has in store for them in the future; what about kids who have parents who die? Or parents who are disabled physically instead of mentally? What matters most is Love and doing the very best you can whatever that may be. Are you really sure your children are growing up without any stress in the family?

Carol lives in Tucson, AZ with her husband, Frank and one cat, Angel (she isn't!). Between the two of them, they have 6 children, 11 grandchildren and 2 great-grandchildren. Carol likes reading, movies, going to plays and being with family.

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