Raw Writing for the Real World of Bipolar

I can't sleep. All I can think about is this panicky feeling that I've been experiencing this week and the conclusion I've come to---I'm in a phase again. I've been obsessed with the Internet and my book and sending out query letters. I feel wired and when I don't feel wired I wish I were wired. It's a non-ending cycle.

I always knew that remission was bullshit. I had, well, I had nine months of blissful unawakenings. And the one thing that fucked it up was my father. He was so goddamn insistent that my meds needed to be changed because he was overly concerned about my fucking shakes. Shakes are nothing compared to my sanity, I want to scream at him!

Do I wait it out? Or do I go back on my Lithium? I don't think that can be decided tonight now that I've taken a Xanax and an Ambien. I was on my way to bed, but then I had this realization that something was wrong with me.

Something's been wrong with me for so long that I don't even know where to start. Where do I start and where does my bipolar end? I want my bipolar to end, but that's never going to be the case. I have to learn to live with my idiosyncrasies. I need to be gentle with myself now. I'm going back to bed. This will still be here in the morning.



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© 2009 Cristina Fender