A lot to think about
My therapist gave me some advice. She advised me to accept my mother for who she is. I'm having a difficult time doing that.
We also deduced that the anger that I feel towards her has to do with the fact that my mother never lives up to my hopes. She can be a wonderful mother one day and a selfish woman another day.
I was reminded that she probably has bipolar. But, I'm also reminded that that doesn't necessarily make for a bad mother unless you choose that path.
My husband asked me whether or not I could live with the anger or the guilt. I would have guilt if I stopped talking to her as a solution. I don't have an answer to this question yet.
My mother also has a tendency to be in a "woe is me" mood often and it makes me angry that she's being so selfish and not asking about my children. My sister advised me to take breaks while speaking to her. She says one of her children has to go to the restroom and puts the phone down for a bit. She says to change the subject is good, too.
I don't know whether talking to her or not talking to her is good. I don't know whether to call her and talk to her would be a good idea. I still have hope that she'll be a better mother to me. This is the hope that makes me angry when she's not in "good mom" mode.
We'll see what happens.
We also deduced that the anger that I feel towards her has to do with the fact that my mother never lives up to my hopes. She can be a wonderful mother one day and a selfish woman another day.
I was reminded that she probably has bipolar. But, I'm also reminded that that doesn't necessarily make for a bad mother unless you choose that path.
My husband asked me whether or not I could live with the anger or the guilt. I would have guilt if I stopped talking to her as a solution. I don't have an answer to this question yet.
My mother also has a tendency to be in a "woe is me" mood often and it makes me angry that she's being so selfish and not asking about my children. My sister advised me to take breaks while speaking to her. She says one of her children has to go to the restroom and puts the phone down for a bit. She says to change the subject is good, too.
I don't know whether talking to her or not talking to her is good. I don't know whether to call her and talk to her would be a good idea. I still have hope that she'll be a better mother to me. This is the hope that makes me angry when she's not in "good mom" mode.
We'll see what happens.
Sorry to hear about your troubles with your Mum. It's only natural to want a parent to do the best job they possibly can.
Unfortunately all parents are not equal or always up to the task. I think accepting your parents for who they are, foibles and fallibility included, is a long process. Which is understandable given we're talking about one of the most important relationships in our lives.
Accepting your Mother for who she is doesn't mean you have to like the way she behaves, doesn't mean you can't disagree or still hope she'll be the Mother you want sometimes.
It just means that somewhere in the back of your mind you'll start to get a good idea of who she really is, not just as a parent but as a person. And that can be helpful to putting you back in the driver's seat of the relationship dynamic.
This is all about acceptance. Accepting the things that you cannot change. It's perfectly normal for you to want your mom to be the mom you always wanted. What I found best though is to stop expecting it.
I didn't talk with my dad for several years because I wouldn't accept him. Finally I did by realizing he won't change yet deciding I want him still in my life. It wasn't easy, but it was worth all the effort.
I wish you the best, Chica.
Chica,
I agree with CK and Bradley. I'm so sorry, but you are not alone this is exactly the thing I defend against the most. I went for a year and a half without any contact with my mother. No matter what you decide, doesn't mean that it is forever. It may be for a temporary period, but it should be your decision based on what you want and what will be good for you versus making your decision based on guilt and manipulation. My heart goes out to you. This is a really sucky thing to deal with.
Take Care,
Clueless
I hope you don't mind I read your blog. I'm new to this site :)
I'm sorry to hear about you and your mother having toubles. It's very hard to accept someone for who they are when they can be so difficult. I hope the best for you. If you ever need to let anything out, I'm a great listner. Please feel free to drop by my page.
*hugs*
My thought for myself, which may be of some use to you, is that I talk to people that tend to push my buttons when I feel like I can handle having my buttons either pushed or not. When I can cope with just whatever all happens. When I don't feel like I can do that, I just stay away from them. Imperfect for sure, but it's one way to cope.