Harmful Actions
I pull my hair and claw my skin when I feel extremely anxious. It usually comes on when I feel so out of control that I need to feel that I'm in control again. It's a fight or flight response that I feel ashamed about, but it happens nonetheless. When I claw my skin it's like I'm trying to make the outside of myself feel worse than the inside, like I'm trying to let it all out of inside my body and brain.
While I'm doing it it feels good to let it out. Afterwords I notice the claw marks on my skin and I feel embarrassed. I feel like this illness is a monster that I cannot control and I feel shameful. What makes me feel the need to harm myself? I have to let it out. I have to get it out of my insides before it crushes me.
I don't do this often. I did it two times this past year. Once when my father was in the hospital and again when I held his boots after he died. The feelings overwhelmed me and I needed to get them out of me. Feeling the pain on my arms settled me somewhat. The pain was more tangible that way. It was serious and real. I didn't feel as crazy on the inside.
My therapist suggested that I write in my journal when I feel that out of control instead of harming myself, but when I'm in the throes of anxiety I can't think of anything except what I need to do--claw my skin.
It's a serious problem that I need to work on. Hopefully it won't happen again.
About the Author: Cristina C. Fender, 34, is rapidly becoming an expert on Bipolar Disorder. She has been researching Bipolar Disorder and blogging about her own experiences for several years. At age 21 she was diagnosed with depression and saw psychiatrists for over ten years before she was correctly diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder I. Her vision for writing at Raw Writing for the Real World of Bipolar is to inform and educate the public about mental illness. Feel free to Email Cristina a comment or a question.Share Your Own Bipolar Story. Click here to Subscribe in a Reader.
© 2009 Cristina C. Fender
