He lied to me
It's 3:49 am and I can't sleep. I went to bed really early last night because of my cold. You would think that I'd sleep longer because of my cold, but no. Instead I start thinking of everything I could be doing. Then I think of my father and I definitely can't sleep after that.
My father was a liar. He lied to me constantly throughout my life and I always forgave him because he was my father and I loved him regardless. Yesterday I found out that he lied to me once again. He didn't list my brother and sister and I as beneficiaries on his retirement form. He listed his wife. On one hand I don't mind it because I know she needs the money, but on the other hand I'm seething because he lied to me when he told me this year that we were listed as his beneficiaries.
It's not the money that I'm angry about. It's his upper handedness. If that was the case why didn't he just say so? I wouldn't have been angry about it. But, now I'm so angry I could spit. I want to put away all the things that remind me of him. Was everything he said a lie, too? Did he truly love me or was that a lie? I'll never know the answers to these questions and that's tearing me up inside.
Even if he didn't love me, I still loved him. I'm sure that I'll work this all out in my mind. It's the not knowing that kills me. I suppose that there's a part of me that tells me that he didn't lie about how much he loved me, but he was a selfish man for most of his life. He did what he thought was right and I don't think that he thought about the consequences of his actions. He lied to all the women in his life. He cheated on them. He broke their hearts. Why should I think he was any different with me. He lied to me on many occasions that I never truly believed him when he told me something. I should've depended more on that intuition when he told me that he was only in the hospital because of a feeding tube. I'm most angry that he didn't tell me the truth; that he still had a serious infection that wasn't getting better.
I guess anger is part of the grief process and I should be glad it's here. It makes this whole process seem real and almost over.
My father was a liar. He lied to me constantly throughout my life and I always forgave him because he was my father and I loved him regardless. Yesterday I found out that he lied to me once again. He didn't list my brother and sister and I as beneficiaries on his retirement form. He listed his wife. On one hand I don't mind it because I know she needs the money, but on the other hand I'm seething because he lied to me when he told me this year that we were listed as his beneficiaries.
It's not the money that I'm angry about. It's his upper handedness. If that was the case why didn't he just say so? I wouldn't have been angry about it. But, now I'm so angry I could spit. I want to put away all the things that remind me of him. Was everything he said a lie, too? Did he truly love me or was that a lie? I'll never know the answers to these questions and that's tearing me up inside.
Even if he didn't love me, I still loved him. I'm sure that I'll work this all out in my mind. It's the not knowing that kills me. I suppose that there's a part of me that tells me that he didn't lie about how much he loved me, but he was a selfish man for most of his life. He did what he thought was right and I don't think that he thought about the consequences of his actions. He lied to all the women in his life. He cheated on them. He broke their hearts. Why should I think he was any different with me. He lied to me on many occasions that I never truly believed him when he told me something. I should've depended more on that intuition when he told me that he was only in the hospital because of a feeding tube. I'm most angry that he didn't tell me the truth; that he still had a serious infection that wasn't getting better.
I guess anger is part of the grief process and I should be glad it's here. It makes this whole process seem real and almost over.
About the Author: Cristina C. Fender, 34, is rapidly becoming an expert on Bipolar Disorder. She has been researching Bipolar Disorder and blogging about her own experiences for several years. At age 21 she was diagnosed with depression and saw psychiatrists for over ten years before she was correctly diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder I. Her vision for writing at Raw Writing for the Real World of Bipolar is to inform and educate the public about mental illness. Feel free to Email Cristina a comment or a question.Share Your Own Bipolar Story. Click here to Subscribe in a Reader.
© 2009 Cristina C. Fender
