Mourning the Loss of Me

Posted on Thursday, April 03, 2008 No Comments
Labels: My Bipolar Story

There are days when I see a college advertisement on television or I pass by our nearby university and I grieve the loss of my ability to attend classes and the loss of myself. It's not just attending college that I wish for. I wish I was whole and that these things came easier to me.

Since the births of my two daughters my bipolar has progressed. I'm more anxious, moody, depressed, and irritable and I find myself unable to function in society, much less a job. I've followed the proper procedures. My psychiatrist recommended therapy and I go every week. I take my medications as prescribed, but even on all this medication I still can't do what I want to do.

My current and only job is to be a stay at home mom and I find it overwhelming on even the best of days. I try to keep my symptoms under check while I'm raising my girls, but I find myself taking more and more medication every day to help myself get through the day. There's no helping or judging when my anxiety/irritability is going to be worse at different hours, days or months.

My symptoms are constant and unpredictable. There are stretches of time where I find myself uninterested in hobbies, the kids, days where I want to sleep all day and days when I can't sleep. There are days when I'm on top of the world, where I organize and reorganize the cabinets in my home, only to crash into an irritable and anxiety-ridden state. Bipolar affects the way I live and how I breathe. Unlike regular mood swings, my mood swings hit heaven or hell. It affects my activity level, my judgment, and behavior.

During a manic episode my activity level may be high, but so is my out of control spending, I may impulsively quit my job, and feel rested after sleeping two or so hours. During a depressive episode I may spend the entire day crying non-stop or staring off into space for long periods of time. I feel like the floor has been dropped out of my life. This is the time when I find it difficult to function because I hate myself for quitting my job or for no reason at all.

There are four stages of bipolar and I've experienced all of them. There's mania where I feel destined to be a great author and I spend all my money, there's hypo-mania where I reorganize my closets and cabinets at 4:00 A.M., depression where I feel like I've lost everything worthwhile, and a mixed state where I get to experience the hopelessness and spend money I don't have. When I'm manic I can do the jobs of four people. When I'm hypomanic I start to be irritable and snap at people due to lack of sleep. When I'm depressed, I call into work because I can't drag myself out of bed. When I'm mixed, I'm so anxious that I can't even say hello to people. There is no middle ground here. I'm always one of those four episodes.